Thoughts swirling like dust motes drifting in the sunlight. What do I write about this week? So much on my mind. Attempting to stay the observer and not take any of it personally. I wish I could say that was easy this past week, yet that would be a lie. The old blueprint still has a few tricks up her sleeve and she does not want to go gentle into the good night.
Thoughts and questions like, “why when I focus on something to happen, the opposite does?” “why have I placed myself in places to be judged?” “what am I pretending not to know?” “what if I am the greatest miracle?” “what am I afraid of?” “what am I ashamed of?” Yeah, really deep stuff.
I go back and forth on whether it’s better to be out and about and engaging with people or stay home and work and protect my energy. This weekend I have a retreat to go to, and I am looking forward to seeing many of my friends and yet, there’s a part of me that wishes I could “Zoom” it in. People have always considered me an extrovert because I do know how to be social with people successfully, yet after years of teaching, sometimes those energies seem like too much. I like the term “ambivert” – those who have both introverted and extroverted tendencies. It’s been rainy this week, so perhaps that’s why I feel a bit more introverted. Glorious sunshine does do this body good!
The judgement thing has been on my mind the past couple of days. Naila and I masterminded about it today. I don’t ever recall a time of feeling like I was normal, like I fit in. I do celebrate that at times, and yet at times I yearn to fit in. I know, why fit in when you were born to stand out? Hence, the quandary. My mother was raised in an alcoholic home where standing out was dangerous. I was not raised in that situation, yet I have probably picked up some of her coping mechanisms. One of her biggest concerns was “what will the neighbors think?” Obviously by some of my decisions in life, I rebelled against that. I put myself in places where I could and would be judged – getting a divorce when it was still not that common, being a single mom, marrying a Jewish man when I was Christian (at the time), becoming a high school teacher (talk about putting yourself in front of a room full of judges! LOL!), teaching a cutting-edge fitness program that’s outside the box and still not well-known, becoming an entrepreneur and a network marketer, studying and practicing Kundalini yoga, all while living in the back woods of Tennessee. Even writing these out for the world to see feels scary. What will you think of me? Will you judge me and find me lacking? Will you no longer want to be my friend? Will you decide I’m too bizarre and forget about me? Are these your thoughts or are they mine? What we see is a reflection of our internal world. Mine feels like a hurricane at the moment. And part of me only wants the calm eye to catch my breath and decide which way to go next.
This past week a friend posted on Facebook about The Greatest Showman and how wonderful it was along with the soundtrack. She said it was perfect for those who were entrepreneurs. Of course, that got my attention! LOL! So while I haven’t seen it yet, I searched YouTube for the songs and found words that spoke to my heart. Now I HAVE to go see this movie…and soon! Two songs spoke to me deeply…
This Is Me (watch the first few minutes to get a deeper meaning)
and From Now On (also watch the first few minutes)
So these two songs have become my anthems. Both bring tears to my eyes, letting me know I’ve reached deep into my soul and these songs are healing those wounded parts of myself who have made me who I am.
It took Hugh Jackman and crew 7.5 years to bring this to life. No matter how long it takes me, my life is a brilliant burst of love and creativity! I am nature’s greatest miracle and it’s a beautiful journey…all of it!